Being Diagnosed with ADHD as an Adult Woman
Long thought to be mainly a male “condition”, the science around the types of ADHD and who it affects is catching up with the hidden reality. So, it’s fair to say that recognition of the signs of ADHD in girls and women of all ages is on the rise. In this personal account, I’d like to share my own journey with ADHD as an adult.
I agonised for a long time about making this part of my life public and being bold enough to blog about it is something I’m still not sure I’m 100% comfortable with. Perhaps if it proves to be of help to you, you can get in touch with me and let me know!
I’ve been on the receiving end of a range of opinions on the validity of ADHD diagnoses, whether it’s really worthwhile getting “the label” and luckily on occasion have been met with curiosity and a desire to learn more.
You will see in my blogs on the subject, that women, men and children with ADHD have been conditioned to be hypersensitive to criticism. So, to stick my head above the precipice and bring up a subject that is still sadly taboo in many situations has led to procrastination and holding back on me sharing.
But for all the girls and women out there who have to hide aspects of themselves because of the fear of being seen as somehow less than a whole person, defective or not enough, it’s important that those of us that have a voice and an audience can help to raise the right kind of awareness.
So, here is my story.
Image credit to Andreea Tufescu Photography
It was maybe the 4th session of a 6-week course I was attending about autism and ADHD in 2020. I had signed up for the course to support my younger daughter who is now diagnosed with ASD (autism) and this particular session was solely about ADHD.
I sat there only half-listening. I had my own preconceptions about ADHD – I had no idea that it was relevant to our family. We got through the first few slides of formalities and suddenly they had my attention.
As the speaker reeled off a list of problems that can affect a young person with ADHD it all seemed familiar. Then the slide that changed my life appeared. It was the first time that I had ever seen the list of traits associated with the Inattentive subtype of ADHD. This was mind-blowing as I just thought ADHD was assigned to the kids who couldn’t sit still, control their impulses or keep out of trouble in school.
I felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness and I thought of all the ways it was showing up in my older daughter. How she had spent many of the first few years of her life being repeatedly admonished and corrected for tendencies that I now learned she could not help.
I felt sad that this must have impacted her sense of self-worth. As parents we thought we were doing the important job of teaching her how to learn life skills such as time management, self-control, tidiness and much more. But with all our good intentions we had no idea what it was really like to be this child whose mind was racing all the time, who felt constantly fatigued by her own busy brain and pulled in all directions.
Little did I realise until later, the sadness I felt was also for myself. Because deep down I suspected I knew what it was like to be that child. I had just spent almost 40 years of masking (trying to behave like everyone else and hide any strong feelings) and had buried those feelings deep under years of learned strategies to stay in check and not mess up.
Over the following 9 months followed much research, seeking referrals, recommendations and eventually a couple of private assessments. For my daughter, we just couldn’t afford the time to wait as she was due to move up to secondary school.
Mother and child diagnoses
For myself, I had this strong feeling that either ruling ADHD out or accepting it as part of my history was important for my whole family. I wanted to model the best version of self-acceptance, self-care and emotional regulation that I could, to show my daughters the way.
Looking back and especially in the process of preparing for my assessment, a lot of pieces of a puzzle were coming together.
I had been through several phases of burnout. Now I know that ADHD burnout and autistic burnout are common problems when you live with a brain that is often working on overdrive. Burnout is hard to fully describe unless you’ve been through it.
My own experience involved being forever run down with viruses and allergic symptoms, phases of being on high alert all the time, reactive, unable to control my emotions and feeling overwhelmed all the time. The crash would then bring with it a severe difficulty to wake and rise in the mornings, an inability to respond to any demands and from being hyperemotional, suddenly I was unable to feel anything.
Burnout
This is the response of a body that has been pumping out stress hormones for too long and can no longer raise an appropriate response to even the most urgent situations. I went from living life firing on multiple cylinders, to feeling like I was living in a goldfish bowl and could not get past a slow-mo mode.
And quite inconveniently, these phases of burnout punctuated the end of my career in finance (as I could no longer cope with juggling work and a small child) and brought me to my knees when my two children were small.
I spent much of the early years of my daughters’ lives feeling overwhelmed and struggling to fit in wherever I went. It’s not easy to be open about these struggles when you worry that anyone you share them with will think you cannot do the basics as a mother.
So, it became really important for me to learn more about myself and how to live a lifestyle that would help me to be the happy mother that my daughters deserved. And to model this lifestyle so that they would find an easier path in their lives.
Self discovery became a priority
I was already well on the way having studied nutritional therapy and applied my knowledge to myself. But there was much more that I could do to help us all – I just knew I could learn how we could lead happier lives!
My diagnosis I joked was a 40th birthday present to myself. Just 5 days before I left my 30s, a psychiatrist told me that I met the criteria for a diagnosis of Inattentive ADHD.
It still feels baffling that I needed a psychiatrist to assess and diagnose ADHD for me. And I still marvel at how the name “Inattentive” gives such a distorted picture of what it is like to have a brain like mine. You might think from the name that I’m spacey, don’t consider other peoples’ needs or feelings, forget birthdays and so on. It couldn’t be further than the truth.
The reality is that I have honed skills and strategies to overcome my ADHD traits over a lifetime of learning and not wanting to mess up. A few years’ ago, I might have been the odd one amongst the new mums who was indeed very forgetful and constantly living in headless chicken mode.
If that is where you are right now, I can assure you that prioritising your self-care, creating good habits and getting help where you need it can help you to overcome many of those challenges.
In fact, if you were to believe much of what is said in the media, you might think ADHD is something to be embarrassed about. And if like me, you have children who might have ADHD, it’s easy to worry about their futures and feel an immense pressure to help them overcome what is often described as a “disability”.
I’d like to challenge the use of words such as disability and disorder. What is disordered is the environment we are all trying to fit into.
ADHD is considered one version of neurodiversity – a supposed sub-section of the human population that have neurological and neurochemical differences that affect the way they think, feel and interact with the world.
For anyone that doesn’t believe ADHD is “a real thing”, there is an abundance of medical evidence of it’s existence. Evidence of neurological causes show that there are variations in the structure of the brain and nervous system. Evidence of neurochemical causes show that there are differences in the amounts of chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, melatonin and adrenaline that are made.
All these chemicals instruct our brain how much and when to sleep, what emotions we feel, how motivated we are, whether we can control impulses, organise our thoughts and much more.
But I would suggest that the reason the traits of ADHD and other conditions such as autism are becoming more common and more pronounced, is that our modern world is increasingly creating conditions that are unfavourable for many of us to thrive.
Traditional school days, 9-5 jobs, living in a world full of electronics that emit frequencies and send out blue light, sitting for most of the day, not being out in daylight and manufactured foods – none of these are conducive to a body that needs to move lots, limit stimuli and compensate for the variations in those neurochemicals.
Many of the traits that make us think differently, were actually very useful in the survival of our species. Back when we foraged, hunted and needed to escape danger quickly, traits such as attention to detail or hypervigilance were actually quite useful.
We wouldn’t have evolved past the stone age if we didn’t have creative thinkers who were able to innovate and invent new tools, new ideas for agriculture and much more.
So, let’s get past thinking of neurodiversity as a flaw, an illness or a disability. Yes, there are individuals who have mobility issues, difficulty with coordination, speech or a number of other physical abilities. But having a brain that thinks differently is not a disability.
Here are some benefits I see in how women with ADHD can contribute to the world:
Empathy – Many people with ADHD are highly attuned to the emotions of others, this is valuable in many careers, in families and communities.
Creativity – The range of ways you can be creative is unlimited! Every person’s own version of creativity is a gift to the world.
Hyperfocus – This can be a highly useful skill. Many women with ADHD can function at a high level when in hyperfocus mode. It’s just worth remembering that a standard working day doesn’t suit this tendency and that when in this state, women can forget to take breaks or eat for long periods of time.
Adaptability – Being able to adjust to lots of different challenges can show up in many ways. Women with ADHD are very quick learners and can be flexible in the way they approach life.
Attention to detail – We often pick up on a lot of non-verbal clues, often without knowing exactly why. What is considered intuition is often an ability to pick up on very subtle details. This can of course be very helpful when combined with creativity.
And there is so much more!
It’s also worth noting that many of the skills and traits are useful as a mother, carer, friend, team worker, employer or business owner. Once you find your place in the world, and understand yourself better, you can find your own rhythm to collaborate and get the best out of all your talents.
A few self care strategies
On my own journey I learned how to further fine-tune my food intake and nutritional supplements to function at my best. I learned breathwork and mindfulness for myself, my children and my clients – these are both transformative skills.
And I learned the power of enjoyable movement as it is a great way of recharging your energy. My own personal favourites are yin yoga, spinning and brisk walking with my dog. More recently I trained as a yin yoga teacher, because this deeply mindful way of unifying your mind and body is the ultimate antidote to an overloaded nervous system.
Being outdoors and in nature is also scientifically proven to support your wellbeing. My life has moved from constantly trying to force my body to function under pressure, to tuning into what it needs day to day to thrive and help me live a happier life.
Image Credit to Andreea Tufescu Photography
So, to round things up in this blog, I would like to turn the idea on it’s head that being diagnosed with ADHD as a woman is something to be ashamed of. Yes, I cannot say that I haven’t been through a whole range if different feelings about it myself. I know I’ve put too much value at times on what other people think.
But if you are on your own journey of discovery with ADHD, I hope you can take some comfort from what I have shared here. And if you have any questions or thoughts on the subject, I’d love to hear from you! You can email me at info@victoriabellnutrition.co.uk.
Victoria Bell is a Registered Nutritional Therapist, Health Coach, Breathwork Coach, Yin Yoga Teacher and qualified as a Mindfulness Teacher for Children. To enquire about getting support you can contact her here or book a free 30-minute Health Review here.
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